A friend of mine went on a date, had a really good time with this guy and they truly seemed to connect on many levels. Suddenly, he said he had to go, and wished her “good luck in the future.” She was left sitting there, wondering where and when the heck things went awry. On the flip side, another friend went on a date with a guy and was literally counting the minutes until the evening was over, but she smiled and tried to act interested anyways. She knew almost immediately that he was just not right for her, but he, on the other hand, thought the date was a smashing success.
What’s in common with these two stories? I think you know. The point here is you never do know what the other person is really thinking. The biggest clue about the success of the date is in THEIR ACTIONS. If a guy calls you the next day and wants to go out again – you know it was successful. If a girl is interested in you, she will definitely let you know.
There are literally hundreds of reasons why a date doesn’t go well, from someone not over their ex to fear, shyness, anxiety … I could go on and on. When I was single and going out a lot, I got to the point which I like to call “detached dating.” If I went out with someone and he didn’t call again, I didn’t give it a second thought. I just kept moving forward. Let me tell you, it took so much pressure off! It was all about an adventure and meeting different people for me. I realized that more often than not the timing just wasn’t right, and I never second-guessed myself.
The moral of this story is — detach yourself from so much expectation, and don’t take these dating encounters too personally. Invest that energy into looking forward!
I would love to hear about how you have worked through dates gone wrong – and moved on!
Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D., Senior Director of Research & Development
Grant Langston, Senior Director of Content, eHarmony Advice
Jeannie Assimos, Managing Editor, eHarmony Advice
Erina Lee, Director, Senior Research Scientist
Heather Setrakian, MA, Researcher
Emily Maywood, MS, Researcher
Jonathan Beber, Researcher
Becky Teraoka, Corporate Communications
I liked this post because it has hit home for me. I have been on-line dating for a month now and I have met some nice people. I dated a man for 3 weeks in a row and then he started to get more intimate than I wanted. I told him I wasn’t ready for that and he didn’t call me back. Actions do speak louder than words ever could. It is true you never know what people are thinking. Dating is very hard and I am looking for a good man to build a solid relationship with. It is getting discouraging.
Maybe it depends on how you said it. When you make someone new feel they are invading your space (even if that is really what they are doing), when all you meant to say was they should slow down a bit, you might end up scaring them away.
@janet shea: That has happened many times to others.
Do not carry the same pace as us, we want to know, explore, give us more time.
It is difficult in this case, universities sometimes do not know how to tell that is important but not the former in a relationship.
I hope that someday they can change that way of thinking …
I agree with David. It’s all in how you say something as to how it will be perceived by the other person. I applaud you for holding your ground. You should never feel the need to do something you are not completely comfortable with. Personally, I think your guy was a total shmuck and was only after an intimate encounter. If he truly liked you and wanted to be in a serious relationship with you, he would have respected you AND your decision to wait.
Again, if you make your statement, on your profile, regarding NO BOOTY CALLS. you will automatically weed out the bums. Many of these guys are hoping there is someone out there so they don’t have to use Viagra.. Drop them
I agree with Janet that dating is very hard. Frankly, I hate it. But this article makes me feel better about it (for today anyway
). Since you don’t know what the other person is thinking, all you can do is gone on what you are thinking and feeling.
This post hits home with me as well. But I do admit that I hold onto hope to get more out of the other person. 90% of the time I don’t get what I expect and I beat myself up for it. Why is it so hard to embrace detaching myself when I know it will be easier?!
I don’t think that a lot of women are hardwired to be “detached” if they are truly looking for a serious love mate. Seems to me that men have an easier time of that.
Dating is not for the faint of heart. I’ve been doing it for over a decade now and still looking…but I haven’t lost hope. It’s the journey people…not the destination.
If you wait and communicate via the written word for a while you will get to know them before meeting and then having to explain yourself. Anyone that only replies with a few words and only wishes to see you right away is probably not going to be the person of your dreams.
I’m not going to say that I’m at that state of “detached dating”; I would hate to call it like that because I still look forward to connecting with someone, but I agree that it feels so good to just move on when a potential date does NOT show interest. I’ve been single for awhile and met a lot of people and have learned that if they feel there’s nothing there, hey, that’s fine! Maybe I’m not there type, but I have learned to never second guess myself and my worth.
Since so few of my matches were anywhere near my local, I began communicating with a couple of really nice men long distance.
I read the Eh advice columns and blogs religiously as it’s been a very long time since I’ve dated! Trying to keep all this advice in mind as well as my own morals and common sence, the closer of the two men (I know this is gonna sound so cheesy…..), “I / we felt a really strong connection for each other”!
The distance not really being a huge deal ( if you don’t make it one), we talked and emailed regularly, and we both admitted to experiencing real chemistry between us. And YES I know what it is and I know how it feels when it’s not in a relationship. Been married twice thinking both times I could live without it, apparently not.
Last time we spoke, mr right, was checking out flights so we could actually meet. That was 4 days ago….
From reading the blogs, I should be out dating in the meantime, being “detatched”. Besides the fact that no one of interest has asked, I’ve really fallen for this guy and am freaking out about the ” no call back” thing!
Just to be clear, I’m not exactly Quasimodo either! I take very good care of body inside and out and my
appearance is very important to me.
As for mr right #2, he was kind of like a pen pal, which being I live in Vancouver, Canada and he lives in Texas was probably going to be the obvious outcome. Then while waiting for my “phone call” Tex wants to Skype! Sure, why not! So much fun! Love technology! Talked for 2 hrs easy, real casual, innocent, nothing suggestive, then he’s gotta go, ok bye , it’s been fun, but before you go……and then it was this whole beg fest for me to take off my clothes and/ or model my Victoria secret collection! WTF! My final words were “uh, yeah, NO! Nice try though!”
I’ve cancelled my Eh account, deleted Tex, and am so discouraged by not just online dating, but dating.
I’m really hoping I’ll hear from “mr right”, gonna call him tonight to clear things up regardless, hoping that I’m wrong and just over reacting.
My point to all this is all you brave people who get the
actual dates, I admire you for hangin in. Guess I just wasn’t cut out for this kind of “adventure”!
appearance although not “made up” is important to me.
Lori, I hope you didn’t contact this bum. He is probably married or at least in a relationship with some poor unsuspecting woman. Where would he stay if he came? If he is looking for a vacation let him find a motel and then…….don’t stay. Say goodnight and see you tomorrow. If he remains he may be a keeper. He may just leave on the next transportation. Be careful.
As a woman. I always hold out hope that he is 1,000% into me, but I have been out with guys who just dont appreciate who I am. I have learned that it’s important to be respectful of people and their choices. Just because I liked him but he didnt like me, it doesnt mean Im not good enough. It just means we are different and its not a bad thing.
If you think that as people age they learn….but no. I have only been on site since January and, for what ever reason, they can make dates weeks in advance and then you don’t hear from them. Married? or whatever. Don’t go out of your way. If he is into you he will keep writing. If they can’t write more than a few words at a time…. then drop them. If they do not call give them a few days and then…..drop them. If you meet them and you don’t hear from them…don’t call. If they are interested they will contact you. If women would learn to live without approval then we will all be better. These guys are players and you are way better off without them. Isn’t it better to not hear from a loser than to have what you think is a relationship only to find out later. Drop them if they bounce back…ok if not….goodbye to bad rubbish.
I had the same thing happen recently. I met this guy at a bar (breaking my first rule…but he was working, so a bit different) but we hit it off great. We spent the whole weekend together (not like that), but had a blast. Found out we like the same music, same food, same movies/tv programs…I mean everything clicked, like it was fate that brought me to a bar that I had NEVER been to. Then all of a sudden he tells me that everything was great, he had the most fun he’s had in a while, I am great woman, who is beautiful, with a great personality..then BAMMO, he says but it’s just that we are two different people. What is that supposed to mean for two people that had so much alike and it seemed that fate had brought us together. We still talk but he constantly reminds me that he just wants to be close friends, that he will always care about me and even had the nerve to tell me that he loved me (all after one weekend)! I explain to him every time he says that we are just close friends that I get it but he seems to feel the need to mention it every time we talk. He really is a great guy, everything I am looking for, but isn’t every relationship supposed to between 2 people that have many things in common,but be 2 different people? I don’t want someone who is my doppleganger, but to have enough in common that we like to spend more time together then apart. I mean to tell you this dating thing is very confusing..even on an on-line dating site.
People think way too much. I feel if you are more relaxed about dating, don’t think too much, expect too much, or put too much pressure on yourself, then you will come across as more appealing and less ‘desperate’.